jhuicy fruit
an ode to the second greatest black hairstyle of all time. never from concentrate.
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We Know. Y’all’s Curls Are Dry As Hell.
We’ve been missing in action. We’re sorry. One of our team is earlobe-deep in dissertation work, another is off saving the world, and the third? Well, she’s just been feeling uninspired. But, thanks to 50 Cent’s texturizer, we’re feeling like there just might be hope for a round of warm-weather blog posts having to do with all things activated. Stay tuned.
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Jheri Curl Jham of the Week—Kool & the Gang, “Joanna”
Today’s jham comes from former jazz turned funk turned disco turned mildly corny but forever awesome pop group, Kool & the Gang. A classic mid-tempo ballad from K&TG’s stable of 80’s hits, the sneaky jhenius of “Joanna” can only be appreciated while waiting in the lobby of the dentist’s office. There you are mindlessly thumbing through the September edition of Better Homes and Gardens, only to realize that you’ve started swaying with the gentle breeze of this song, getting your white man’s overbite in a horribly tacky, yet strangely comfortable chair.
As the video begins, K&TG lead singer, James “JT” Taylor (aka Little Donnie Simpson) and a fellow bandmate arrive at Joanna’s Diner, where apparently they’re regulars. Otherwise, there is no excuse for KT&G to have their instruments everywhere, making noise and banging on shit like they ain’t got no home training. They better not try that shit in Big Mama’s kitchen. Anyway, the owner, Joanna, seems to be cool with it, though, because JT’s silky delivery, hazel eyes, and mackalicious charm are thoroughly hypnotizing.
The diner scene dissolves into a reverie starring a much younger Joanna rolling around and coquettishly cavorting with a young fellow in a fancy car unchaperoned. Makes us wonder: what version of 1944 is this? Tell you what, though, Joanna was a fox. Young Joanna shows off some of the dance moves that made her a headliner at The Cotton Club (thanks, random white dude!) before the video fades back to the present, showing older Joanna shimmying her way to the diner counter top getting her Coyote Ugly on. (She still got it.) The moment makes one wonder if a reincarnated Joanna would eventually headline at The Players’ Club. A Negro with a good curl will do that to you. Word to Ice Cube. Yea-ee Yea-ee!
About those curls, though. K&TG gets an B+ for jheri curl diversity alone. That said, upon initial inspection, JT’s shit is mad average, a bit dry and hella Soul Glo-ish, frankly. But then you’re all like: That shit seamlessly devolved into a 1940s era conk!! Followed by the realization that that motherfucker is rocking a butterscotch leather outfit to bring out his eyes. His soul is LITERALLY glowing hazel! Who can top that shit!? This is the pre-color contacts era, people. You have got to have a curl to rock this outfit and vice versa. Otherwise, what’s the point? Upon further review, you realize that you have to put JT on the curl’s dean list. Can’t no basic-ass curl make a cougar roar, rhapsodizing about you being her boo 40 some odd years ago. The activator/hazel eyes combination is magically lethal, y’all. Ask Joanna.
Shout out to the Panther of the group who refused to process. Stay black and proud, brother.
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Jhuicy Fruit Submission #0001 — 100% Intelligent Black Child
Praise whiteJesus! We (finally) have our first official jhuicyfruit submission! And if we may echo those ATLiens, Hollyweerd, this right here is an AU-TO-MA-TIC CLASSIC.
Our submitter writes:
Circa 1984, you can tell by my Prince-inspired lace collar. This was actually a school photo that my parents have displayed prominently in both of their homes. Yes, there are multiple copies of this photo in the world.
Please note the lone curl that elegantly frames the silhouette and the big ass white comb from Kmart in the side of my head. All I needed was my raspberry beret, and I would have been set.Hellssss yes we noted the lone curl softly obscuring the third eye, protecting it from any renegade drips of activator hell bent on blinding it. And since said solitary curl only appears in the silhouette, we believe the photographer deliberately positioned it in such a manner. Fuck what you heard, Dorothea Lange. That is what we call staging a photo.
This curl, this entire picture is fucking BAWSE. Adequately but not overly moisturized, the shininess indicates consistent curl cap usage—perhaps due to threats of taking away the Atari if not properly applied to the dome before bed time. The unbelievably perfect shape of the curl—as seen in a silhouette only Olan Mills could love more than we do—is the result of hair teasing that could have only been done by the hands of a loving (black) mother.
Frankly, this is a classic black kid curl. Generally first administered circa 3rd grade, this mature, but not too old hairstyle would be a consistent feature in yearbooks everywhere until 1992. The sweet, yet restrained smile of our subject not only seems to anticipate that at some point, some asshole who peaked in high school will scan his wholeentire yearbook and post it to Facebook and tag your curl having black ass, but also seems to be screaming, “I can’t believe my parents did this shit to me.” We can’t believe it, either. But we’re so glad they did. So, so glad they did.
Way to be such a trooper. We bow our formerly activated heads in reverence for your bravery.
Love,
The Jhuicyfruit Crew
Please, sir, can we have some more? Submit your jheri curl pics to jhuicyfruit@gmail.com !!
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When It Hurts So Bad …
Hey, y’all. It’s been a few weeks since we uncovered something that really just knocked our conditioner caps clear off. Once in a great while, you come across something that really and truly blows your mind. Sometimes, that’s a Sylvers album (shoutout to the vinyl heads), or a banging ass sandwich you had no idea would be what it was. Sadly, more often than not, that mind blowing discovery is such a clusterfuck of confusion that you really aren’t sure how to take it. Equal parts devastating and shocking, this discovery will take you longer to digest than your Aunt Effie’s macaroni and cheese.
That’s how we feel about something brought to our attention by a friend of Jhuicyfruit. And, yes, it’s about a curl:
Take it in slowly, so as not to harm yourself. Yes, that’s Tupac Amaru Shakur. Yes, that’s a jheri curl styled into a box fade with a part. Too much to process? Yes, we know. We’re gonna give you a few moments to get it together.
Yeah. So, this curl. On Pac, of all people, it reflects that even our favorite folks can screw up. Let’s imagine the circumstances: it’s 1990. Pac’s a roadie-slash-backup-dancer with Digital Underground. He’s relatively fresh out of high school. And, as we all know, awkward phases sometimes extend to age 25 (even Sade wasn’t a fully settled, comfortable kind of fine until Love Deluxe, if you let some folk tell it). Perhaps Pac, after some time in LA, spent some time with a close friend from Baltimore. Let’s say this friend’s name is Jada. And that, as a gesture of lovingkindness, Jada offered to do her friend’s hair. And as a way for her to make good use of her roommate’s Gold-N-Hot hood dryer. She was, after all, in Los Angeles in search of acting gigs. We know that sometimes, we have to hustle to get things off the ground.
Pac’s curl, in this photo, shows a graduated curl pattern. Purple rods all day, B. The curl was at least 6 months old (the longer your hair, the bigger the rods at touch-up time), and likely a year old or more. The shape of Pac’s curl was reminiscent of the nationally popular box fade. But, as you can see, the largess (and wetness, most likely) of Pac’s hair wouldn’t allow such. So, it’s an odd shape. something like a novice’s first attempt at pottery wheel. With a big-ass ridge in it. Oh, Lord, Pac! Why? T
Because it was the late 80’s/ early 90’s. That’s why. Because he was just as black and beautiful as the rest of us, Care Free Curl notwithstanding.
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i put way too much gloss spray on my kid’s head and she’s lookin soul glow-ish.
Reblogged cuz it’s Stoney!
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Great Moments in Curl History: Ola Ray
Now that all Facebook “Happy Birthday” comments have been acknowledged with a click of the “Like” button, and pinot noir and other substances promoting insobriety have been properly flushed from a key Jhuicyfruit member’s system, it is time that we return to our compelling series, Great Moments in Curl History.
This week’s GMICH honoree is none other than the inimitable Ola Ray. Most of us remember Ray as Michael Joseph Jackson’s love interest in the (still scary as fuck) “Thriller” video. What some of you may not know, however, is that Ray first gained notoriety as Playboy’s June 1980 Playmate of the month. But since this is a family blog and we refuse to speak ill of one Michael Joseph Jackson (he ain’t dead), we will not speculate that upon being asked who he would like to play his girlfriend in his upcoming mini-film, MJJ responded with, “Yo, get me that babe from Playboy.” Instead, we’ll assess Ola’s Ray’s curl.
Frankly: this shit is sexy. And it’s versatile. Check the bangs, money. Seriously, yo, the popped collar under the mullet-esque curl—what we here at Jhuicyfruit like to call the jhullet—is what wet dreams are made of. What you see here is a most eloquent teasing of a jheri curl away from the face in order to adequately accentuate those sculpted and elegantly blushed cheek bones. The JHERI! CURL! BANGS! compel one into returning the staggeringly hypnotic gaze of Ms. Ola Ray. Ola Ray’s curl helps her say, “Look into my innocent, yet sultry, doe-like eyes. Don’t you want to take me back to your place in your Z-28, and see if you can get me to fall asleep before I remember that I left my extra curl cap in my other purse? You know you do.” If you are not moist in certain areas of the body within 10 seconds of setting eyes upon this look, then you need to check your pulse. Her name is Ola Ray and she has a curl. But she was in Playboy. And a Michael Jackson video. Do you understand what kind of flawless follicle game your curl has to be on in order to stand next to the man who had the greatest jheri curl of all time? Do you? Do you? That shit is so sexy, to this day we swear to god Ola Ray moisturized her curl with a mix of puppy tears and baby slobber, and that it smelled like sunrise.
Unfortunately, Ray’s career went the way of the said hairstyle: gone too soon. Nonetheless, we will refer to all the sexy jheri curl ladies as The Ola Rays (send your pictures to jhuicyfruit@gmail.com).
Here’s to one thriller of a curl, Ola Ray. You fancy, hunh?
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As today is the birthday of one of our team members, we’re knee-deep in Facebook birthday shouts, celebratory tweets and whatnot. You have to know by now, dear readers, that no party is complete without a good and jhuicy party song. We’re bringing you Dazz Band’s “Let It Whip,” as the video is a testament to the widespread appeal of the curl (and funk music). With their Temptations-style super precise choreography, these cats were killing that shit. And a special kudos to whomever decided to throw in the quick shots of those ladies with whips. In leopard print and lingerie. Cuz basically, this song is about kink. Old school, meet me at the North American Motor Lodge kink.
Yeah.
And the curls, though the video quality isn’t the best, appear to be well-moisturized and loved on like your Granny’s prized begonias. You know you have to cultivate that curl, y’all. Word on the street is that the best curl stylist in the Midwest traveled with these cats, but later defected to Roger Troutman’s camp. He paid more, and had an inside line to SoftSheen Carson. Either way, when it comes to Dazz Band, you can always shake your rump and behold some of the slickest ‘dos this side of the fingerwave.
We raise our activator bottles.
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Jheri Curl Jhams: The Valenti[m]e’s Day Edition
Track 3 — Rick James & Smokey Robinson, “Ebony Eyes”
Today’s super jhuicy love jham is a late-era Motown classic, featuring the Super Freak himself and one William “Smokey” Robinson. “Which one of them had a curl?” you might ask. It was Smokey, of course. We all know Rick consistently wore the finest wiggery (before Beyonce, and even before Patti LaBelle’s epic AquaNet and Isoplus Tower of Power). This video is an 80’s short film masterpiece, telling a tale of two pilots whose plane — the Ebony Eyes — crashes on an unpopulated island.
The video opens with Rick assuring his crew that old reliable Ebony Eyes can get the job done, and Smokey bids his worried wifey boo (shoutout to Turquoise Jeep Music) and his seed farewell. As our heroes take off, Rick reminisces on his lady telling him passionately, “I don’t want you to go,” before they engage in a kiss that can only be described as “extra as fuck.”
Almost as soon as they take off, our heroes find themselves in the middle of a horrendous thunderstorm — and their small plane appears to be shaken like dice in the hand of Grits n’ Gravy. Cut to the next scene: tide washing in on the shore of what looks more like Oahu than it does Chilligan’s Island. We see plane wreckage, and the camera pans to our protagonists, miraculously unharmed. The camera tightens in on Smokey, who’s singing to a photo of his woman. He’s wistful. He knew he shoulda hit that one mo ‘gin before leaving. And his curl is holding up as if it’s been anointed by the hand of Jheri Redding himself! No, really.
As the video proceeds, we see that Rick and Smokey are making the best of a bad situation. They build shelter for themselves, craft some boss-looking spears — likely to catch food— and even manage to light torches along the darkened shoreline. All while remembering to shave, keep their coiffures in place (at no point does Smokey appear to need an activator re-up), and counting the days that they’ve been ashore with no lovin’ or cocaina to keep them warm.
We won’t spoil the video for you. Time to rate Smokey’s curl:
It appears to be set with medium sized perm rods, which suggest that, if you believe that all super-liteskinted black folks’ hair displays the “Indian in they family,” you might just think that it was his hair. But we at Jhuicyfruit know better. That process has been held in place with a secret weapon usually reserved for White People Hair: Wet by Sebastian Professional. Our resident curlologist notes that “This product was meant to give your hair a genuine ‘it grew from my scalp that way’ appearance, even when you were in dire need of a touchup.” The monolithic nature of Smokey’s curl suggests that it had just been styled in time for the video shoot, as well. He has no edges, and possibly hasn’t even had his combed through (we’ll get to the styling approaches soon, we promise!). Overall, Smokey’s curl gets a B.
Honorable mention to Rick James’ wig. An outstanding performance, serving American Cocker Spaniel realness throughout the video.
Get that cold duck out, y’all. It’s time to get close.
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Jheri Curl Jhams: The Valenti[m]e’s Day Edition
Track 2 — The Deele, “Shoot ‘Em Up Movies”
The Jhuicyfruit crew could have selected any one of a myriad of jhams by The Deele for the Valentine’s mixtape—their conks and curls are the legendary stuff of a drunken night spent waxing about 80’s black popular culture—but we picked “Shoot ‘Em Up Movies” for one reason reason alone: JHERI CURL COWBOY. We also chose it because the other The Deele jham, “Two Occasions,” is lightweight stalkerish. A word of advice: if a dude tells you he only thinks of you on two occasions, day and night, run. He’s either going to be the subject of your next restraining order, or he lacks an
imagination. But I digress.Face it. It’s not everyday your average movie theater employee gets harassed by a redneck and a broke-ass pimp at the same time because of the paucity of butter on the popcorn (are they sharing?), only to be saved by a brother with so much confidence he wore a hat he must have borrowed from Opie Taylor to the movie theater. Which, you know, is a public place.
This video is so meta. And narcissistic. The Deele lead singer, Carlos “Satin” [no, f’real] Greene, strolls up into the place and “saves” the damsel with mere words. (The hat, by the way, must have been part of Greene’s “look.” The “Two Occasions” video suggests it.) Only to go into the theater and watch himself save her again in a flick that could probably only be described as Posse meets Brother Future meets a broke film student stuck making R&B music videos to make a living. Only to start putting the mack on said damsel by pushing up on her, pilfering her popcorn, and peppering her with activator juice while trying to spit game in her ear. The video compels questions that include, but are not limited to:
Is that whole “Men do not sit next to each other at the movie theater” thing a rumor? What kind of dweeb wears sunglasses inside the movies? Who eats just a kernel of popcorn at a time? What kind of asshole takes that kernel without even asking?
Whatever the case, “Shoot ‘Em Up Movies” is still the jham, and the perfect edition to our mixtape. We call dibs on the “Bang, bang, gotcha” part, and we’ll try not to pantomime shooting a gun. Who’s covering Babyface’s falsetto?
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Jheri Curl Jhams: Valenti[m]e’s Edition
Track 1— Atlantic Starr, “Always”
The Jhuicyfruit crew would be remiss if we didn’t dedicate this week to some Jheri Curl Love Jhams in honor of Valentine’s Day. After all, it is black history month, and if there is anything that is officially history, it’s black love.
Our first track is the Atlantic Starr classic, “Always.” Odds are if you or your mama or whomever jumped the broom circa ‘87, this was the jham they swayed to during the reception in the church basement. (Send those pictures to jhuicyfruit@gmail.com, please and thank you.) (Not that black people get married (anymore). We’re just saying.) Or maybe you recorded this jham off the radio and put it on a mixtape for your 8th grade beloved, Tequanna Johnson. The one with the hazel eyes and the booty and the lips that tasted like sugary-ass Nyquil because she sucked on strawberry Now and Laters all third period. Yeah, her.
Anyway, it is our job to conjure such memories this week. Atlantic Starr’s “Always,” does exactly that. Let the dulcet tones of Barbara Weathers and David Lewis take you there (like Mavis ‘n’em), to the time when Fila tracksuits were fresh and British Knights were still a respectable sneaker. Our sincerest apologies to everyone who later divorced the Negro they danced to this jam with.
In case you’re wondering, we give Lewis’ curl a B-. The style is nice, but he needed to moisturize the situation a little more. And yes, he does look like he could have been Darryl Jenks’ older brother. FYI, Lewis later traded his membership in Atlantic Starr and his curl for a life serving white Jesus, but we remember—and love—him most for this joint right here.
Somebody open some white zinfandel. It’s on tonight.
We're like the internet version of your mama's family photo album circa 1986.
